Oh, The Horrorscopes!

Flipping through a few old issues of the now-defunct Bradley News Weekly (Cleveland, TN), I came across some of the most useless and entertaining bits we put out during the last leg of the paper. Known as the Horrorscopes, these were a fun way for us to take advantage of the horoscopes that without just cutting and pasting them into the paper.

To be honest, I’m not sure which of these I wrote, as everyone in the office worked together to come up with these, but they were all great fun. As you will see, we were occasionally as vague as many horoscopes, but the Horrorscopes were often extremely specific and it is in that specificity that they find their true horror. That and our strategic pitting of one sign against another.

Without further ado, I present to you a few Horrorscope highlights.

Enjoy…

ARIES, you need to be a team player when it comes to your job. Do your work as best as you can, but let it be known that you also stand by your coworkers. Be cautious when interacting with the coworker you hold a grudge against. It’s mutual.

GEMINI, sometimes the most unselfish act involves letting others do things for you. Stand back and let someone else enjoy the spotlight and dote on you. Avoid any compliments from the man in the white t-shirt. He is a backstabber.

CANCER, you can fix whatever is broken if you are prepared to put in a little hard work. Even your strained relationship with your daughter-in-law can be salvaged. Consider saving time by scaling back your goal, or asking others for help.

LIBRA: Finally! Libra, the world becomes an easy place in which to live this week. Throw aside your inhibitions and bask in your good fortune. Also enjoy some moments of indulgence. Just don’t eat the pudding on an empty stomach.

PISCES, if you don’t gather up all of your facts, someone could end up looking like a fool on Tuesday. Someone could even wind up in the hospital. That person could be you.

ARIES – Despite sincerity, your apology isn’t so readily accepted at first. Prove your repentance with your actions and not just your words and be sure your neighbor doesn’t know where you keep your insulin.

GEMINI – Others find you to be very amenable because you’re happy to oblige everyone’s whims. By the end of the week, you feel a tad nervous about a work project, and for good reason. If the coworker with the twitch wants to help, say “No.” He’s out for your destruction.

SAGITTARIUS – If you’re feeling a bit restless, now is the time for a road trip or an escape somewhere else. You may want to make this a solo trip especially if you desire soul searching. Even better, you may want to take the friend you’ve been unsure of lately, as it’s better to keep that person close right now.

CAPRICORN – When someone opens his or her heart to you, don’t be too careful in weighing the effects on your life. You could miss a wonderful opportunity in the process. So if someone asks you on a road trip, don’t forget to take your new cutlery.

AQUARIUS – No one can argue that you aren’t inventive and original. However, they may not be so quick to jump on board with one of your ideas. Don’t take offense. It’s just that your ideas are kind of bad.

GEMINI: A special friend from your past comes back for a visit. It could lead to interesting things. Keep your agenda open for Wednesday when love is in your stars. It will start a little awkward, but give it time.

CANCER: Keep your patience with a friend on Tuesday. This person is just feeling a little stir-crazy and really doesn’t mean the things he or she is saying. Avoid sleeping on your left side or drinking out of straws.

SCORPIO: A close friend really needs your help on Thursday. Make sure your schedule is open so that you can lend a hand. Put work on hold for some quality time with your mate. If this friend is a Gemini, be cautious. He or she is looking for love.

PISCES: Be the life of the party on Friday. You just may hook up with a winning romance. Look to Scorpio for some companionship. Unless you want to get hitched, avoid Geminis. They’re looking for something special.

AQUARIUS: Your confidence continues to rise, Aquarius. It could be because of good news you’ve been receiving at work. Consult with Leo for advice on improving your financial future. Then spend your money on self-defense. You may need it soon.